Recent events had made me begin to rethink myself, whether I was who I thought I was and if I had chosen the path that was best for me. Because of someone who assumed to know me, I was flirting with the idea of changing everything, again. But for once instead of running, I just stepped back and thought about my neurotic ideas. For the first time in my life I found a deep self-confidence that I never knew existed. I realized that I was not going to let a person who decided who I was before knowing me, have an influence on what I know about myself. I am talented in more ways than most even know. I am not done becoming who I want to be, but I am well on my way. Life is full of pebbles to trip on, speed bumps to drive 55 mph over and seemingly impossible mountains to climb. All of these, I've already conquered. No doubt only to do it again, but next time it'll be a little easier. Some will always be hard, but at least I'll know what I'm up against.. and I'll make it to the other side at some point. It's that part in the middle that makes for good stories and interesting people. It may be silly, but I always think of Shawshank Redemption. Andy is a perfect metaphor for any trial in your life. First, there's the initial shock when the incident occurs. The denial, the numbness... yet the whole time you're digging yourself out, whether you know it or not. Then finally you hit the bottom and drag yourself from the darkest depths to be free again. You will never be the same, but for all the emotional pain you endure, you learn to appreciate the smaller things. Thus becoming a better person. Well some just become bitter, but I opted out of that road trip. So, here's my "screw you" to the people who have dismissed me... I'm even cooler now than I was when you decided I wasn't at all.
HA. Ok, the soapbox is put away and I promise this is going somewhere. I was foolish enough to believe for a second that I had it bad. That thought alone sent me into laughter from tears. And all this rambling has led me to make a list of sorts, as to why I am lucky. I intend to read it anytime I feel like I am less than someone else. So, this is why I am the richest person in Raleigh, eating Ramen soup...
I've watched Mexican sunrise in a stranger's arms. I sat alone on my balcony just to appreciate the eerie silence of a snowstorm. I've lost a parent... and gained a better one. I've looked in someone's eyes and broken their heart, all the while hearing my own shatter inside me. I've gotten really dirty riding four-wheelers and camped out. I've cooked dinner for my mom. My friends have made me the life of the party only to watch me make a complete ass out of myself. When I fall, I laugh at myself and hope someone saw. Erica had a broken heart, and I made it a little easier with a Hershey bar and a smile. My mom took me to the lake's beach in the middle of the night just to watch a meteor shower... and moved the couch in front of the windows so we could watch the first thunderstorm of spring. I've completely let go and fallen, only to crawl my way back amongst "I told you so's" Friends have walked out of my life and I went and found them. Some, only to remember why they were gone and others to forget how I ever lived with them. I've been the one that got away... and stuck with it. I graduated. I've made $500.00 in a night slinging drinks and made a sandwich out of frozen waffles because I bought beer instead of bread. Waited hours for the phone to ring, and hung up when the bastard finally called. Had beer and cheese fries with my brother at a Yankee game... and we don't even like the Yankees. I've had surgery, a couple times. So I know I'm not invincible. I've kissed a stranger and walked away. Jumped in a pool with all my clothes on and moved to the beach on a whim. Stayed up all night talking so many times I can't count. I followed a boy to another state, now I know better. Seen the effects war has on the mind and on love. I've partied in NYC at posh club and realized an old pub is where I belong. I quit smoking. I am able to talk to my Mom about anything, with minimal judgement. I appreciate red wine. I enjoyed a thanksgiving where the first one was celebrated. I drove the east coast by myself. And I make damn good cakes. My taste in music is impeccable, with a few questionable songs thrown in for nostalgic reasons only. You do it too. I found the love of my life and pushed him away. I got him back. I raised a puppy and found my own sense of style. I have my dream car. A wonderful man fell in love with my mother, and decided he could love me, too. I've drank too much, I haven't taken enough pictures and I have more love inside of me than I know what to do with. For everyone. Whether I've met you once or if you've been there from the beginning. So, I am good. I have lived a lifetime in 25 years but haven't scratched the surface.
I wrote this for myself, to be a reminder of the good things. Some things I mentioned may not necessarily be good or smart, but they made me. And I couldn't be happier with that. But I hope it could help someone else, to do this same thing I have. To see how heavily the pros really do out-weigh the cons. Because most become the same over time, just lessons learned. So now, when my "dream" job as fallen out from under me, I am lucky because I get to create a new dream, with farther reaching goals. Armed with confidence, love and blind determination, I will make my dent and make sure you know it.
